12Christmas: Shin and Akihiro
by Tabi
Summary: Twelve themes and twelve chapters except for those wouldn't like on what Shin and Akihiro got up to one Christmas.
1. Chapter 1 Winter Wonderland

~12_Christmas~

~04: Winter Wonderland; Snow~

~01~

_Monday, 4th of December_

_Two weeks before the end of term_

Given the unpredictability of the weather, the students of Seirei Gakuen had been quite overjoyed at the first snow of the year falling on a Sunday. Grey clouds had loomed overhead for most of November, threatening rain or storms or snow... the average pupil didn't pay attention to the weather report and nobody particularly trusted those for word of snow in the first place. If one was to judge by the report then it seemed likely that they'd be setting themselves up for a disappointment... but nonetheless, that didn't stop most of the lessons of mid-to-late-November being conducted in rapt silence, students paying more attention to the unchanging weather outside than their teacher or schoolwork.

The snow had started gently around the beginning of December. Usually noticed by a younger member of the family member, '_it's snowing, it's snowing!_'... this would be passed off until proof of the event was witnessed when indeed it would be accepted that yes, it _was_ snowing. Perhaps it would be a slight flurry, or perhaps-- it's sticking? Yes, it's sticking!...

Monday morning, the snow was enough to be impressive but not enough to cause call for a Snow Day. Pupils watched the falling snow from the window of the bullet train, crunched through the small drifts on the path leading to the school gates and, like in summer when hot weather beckoned, wondered why on earth they had to be stuck inside when there were things like _snow_ outside to be enjoyed and treasured. You could go to class anytime, but snow? That was special. You never knew when the falling snow would stop, when the gathered snow would melt... nothing seemed to stir up the youthful appreciation of a transient nature more than snow did. That was something short-lived that was tangible and precious and as the snow fell harder, the teachers found it more and more difficult to attract the attention of their classes.

Some students just didn't bother. Those who felt tethered to the system would sit obediently in their classes, yearning for a freedom they didn't dare take. Older students with free lessons would walk around school or watch in peace from an empty classroom or the library or wherever they could watch without being questioned as to how their study time was being employed... Shin and Akihiro watched from the roof.

The roof itself was one of the grey areas of the school. Never specified as being out of bounds and yet never particularly approved as being _in_ bounds in the first place, most students avoided it just in case. Whether you were allowed up there or not generally depended on who you were and who the teacher was that caught you. Shin would usually find out in advance when Enami-sensei was going to be on break or lunch duty; when it was Enami-sensei, there wasn't very much that Shin didn't get away with.

The two of them stood against the edge of the roof, leant against the metal railings and looking out over the front of the school and the city beyond. The snow had been falling for most of the day and so already gave some promise of a future display, patches of white gathering in nooks and crannies and corners. Shin watched nothing in particular with a kind of intent stare. These were the kinds of moments he lived for, surely? The silence of the school, only occasionally disturbed by competitive screams from the gym, a student yelling, a teacher shouting... those things seemed distant. There was movement in the city, light and sound and human activity... but there on the roof he was simply alone, watching the falling snow. There was a kind of poetry in that moment, a sort of sensation that could be transformed into something lyrical, surely?

At least, he _should_ have been simply alone watching the falling snow. Instead, he was constantly aware of Akihiro's presence beside him; Akihiro wasn't really _doing_ anything, only leant against the metal bar in the same fashion that he himself was, watching nothing in the same kind of way... but that wasn't important. More than anything he could have done or said at that time, just Akihiro's _presence_ seemed irritating. Feeling self-conscious and annoyed, Shin pulled his jacket tighter with gloved hands. He'd thought to bring his gloves and scarf at the advancing weather but hadn't thought to bring a warmer coat... he shivered slightly and moved closer to the railings, as if they would bring any kind of warmth. It really _was_ winter now. And Akihiro was just standing there in his school jacket. How could he bear to do such a thing? It seemed just another stupid thing that was just like him. Shin sighed quietly, the breath leaving his mouth as a cloud of steam.

"Don't you have a lesson to be in right now?"

Akihiro rubbed his hands together before cracking his knuckles, "Yup."

"Well, can't you go to it?"

"Haven't done the homework. Not gonna risk Kana-sensei getting pissed at me for something stupid like that, I'm not in the mood for it."

"... She's going to be just as pissed if she finds you've skipped her lesson."

"Yeah, well."

Akihiro's tone didn't seem to imply any sense of regret for his action. Shin had hoped that his question might spur Akihiro into leaving him alone but it seemed that he had no such luck with _that_ tactic. Indeed, if one was going to skip a lesson then the roof was a good place to do it, it wasn't somewhere that teachers really _looked_ when students were missing... if you left through the school gates then you were easily observed by classrooms on several sides but the roof was the highest point in the school and treasured for that reason.

Shin pulled his ponytail with two hands to tighten the hairband that kept it in place, his gloves making this feel somewhat awkward. His expression fell, "What I _mean_ is, don't you have anywhere _else_ to be at the moment...?"

"Other than my History lesson? Not really, no. Why, don't want me around?" Akihiro turned his head to face Shin at that, a wide grin spread across his features. Shin only scowled, wondering how Akihiro could find such a thing amusing - though, Akihiro _had_ always seemed to gain strange kinds of satisfaction from Shin's discomfort. They'd been living the same scenarios for long enough to be used to them now, to know how things worked and what they expected of each other... and Shin knew that, by now, there was very little (if anything) he could do or say to push Akihiro away. If he wanted to stay around for the duration of his skipped lesson then he would and he wouldn't be discouraged from that.

Shin just didn't quite understand why, other than for the sadistic amusement he often gleaned, Akihiro would _want_ to spend his free time in silent conflict with him; the two of them had known each other for a long time and _known_ each other for quite some time but Shin would likely have jumped from the roof of the school before ever admitting to anybody - or himself - that he considered Akihiro a _friend_. That wasn't the kind of thing chalked in for their relationship, not from Shin's perspective. In his mind, his view of Akihiro was clear: he was uncouth and annoying, loudmouthed and irritating, irrational and brutish, short-tempered and rough. Their relationship was one of constant antagonizing and Shin felt that half the stress he ever felt could be vaporised in an instant were Akihiro to vanish from his life and he knew that, really, if _he_ didn't want to spend the next hour with Akihiro all he had to do was take the initiative to leave and go somewhere else, provided Akihiro didn't follow him. Part of him said that he'd been on the roof first and so he had more right to be there than Akihiro did and another part of him, which he usually obeyed without listening to, didn't really _want_ to leave.

Again, he would have more likely died than admit this to anybody. It wasn't that he _liked_ Akihiro's company, more that Akihiro's company was better than no company at all, or something. Something like that. Wherever he went Akihiro was likely to try following him so there wasn't really any point in trying to move in the first place. That was the logic Shin's conscious mind clung to. It'd only be a bother to try and move someplace else and it wouldn't hold any kind of victory _anyway_, so... the roof was good enough. Even if Akihiro was there.

Akihiro leant his head against one hand, looking out enthusiastically towards the snow-covered landscape. "I can't believe it's already December! I mean, woah. Not gonna be long until we get off for the holidays! Jeez, and they've been pushing us so much this year. It's fine when you're in the first or second year and you've got a teacher who doesn't mind skipping lessons and breaking out the paperchains for the last lessons of term, but guh... I've got like three essays due in before the end of term. What happened to taking it easy!?"

Shin kept his voice even, "As much as it makes sense for you to prefer childish pursuits, that's simply the kind of thing you'll have to get used to now that we're in the third year. School is a place for work and study, not parties."

"Jeez, who jabbed the stick up _your_ ass today..."

"I'm only saying."

Akihiro turned around to lean his elbows against the rail, staring at Shin's profile for a few moments. Shin didn't move or acknowledge Akihiro's gaze, so he felt comfortable to keep on staring for a few moments longer.

How could Shin bear to say things like that? With such a cold tone, too... wasn't that taking a rather one-sided view of things? Yes, so school _was_ for studying and exams and tests and learning and that kind of thing, but... if it was only like that it'd be rather empty, wouldn't it? If nothing else, that damned KISS wouldn't exist were it not for the sake of extra-curricular activities and for a moment Akihiro wondered if the sacrifice would be worth it to get rid of _that_ tradition. Still... as much as it annoyed him that so much work was due in for the end of term, there was still the Christmas party that the Student Council was holding, amongst other smaller celebrations. Classroom windows were decorated with fake snow and paper Christmas trees while their real counterparts dotted themselves around the school at appropriate points; paper chains hung from the ceiling and tinsel hung around the doorframes. There was always a competition between the homerooms at Christmas, to see which classroom had the best decorations. The class would work together to make their room the best and both the competition and the simple activity was always appreciated.

"It's that Christmas party soon, isn't it?"

Shin sounded distracted, "Possibly." He thought about it for a few moments longer with actual consideration, "... Probably."

"Looking forward to it?"

"Not really."

"Jesus. I knew it took a lot to get you excited, but... fucking hell. Can't even get excited about a party?"

"I have better things to be doing with my time."

"Like what?"

"I've got to rehearse. I've got a concert after the end of term."

"Which is still at least two weeks away! C'mon, let loose a little. Even if that Kudou's chasing you around with mistletoe it's gonna be fun, right? 'Cause I mean, it's like you said, school's all about learning and stuff... so it's gonna be even better when we get to kick back and relax for that party! I bet Enami-sensei's gonna try and get Megumi-sensei under the mistletoe. Or the other way round, maybe... but I bet both of them are gonna have to fight Gondawara-sensei away, huh..."

Shin closed his eyes, "... You're noisy."

Akihiro had been about to say something else about the upcoming party, but at that found himself struck dumb. He paused for a moment, nursing his slightly injured pride; he didn't really consider himself as a person who really talked a lot - and so the vague insult felt even more barbed. He didn't talk a lot and then when he _did_ talk, he just had Shin knock him down for it. Maybe he _had_ been a bit overenthusiastic.

"... Yeah, well. Someone's gotta try and get you excited for the holiday."

"Hnph."

There wasn't really much to say to that. Akihiro sighed, turning back around to look over towards the main cityscape. Was Shin merely being obstinate because of _his_ presence, or was he genuinely bored at the thought of Christmas? That seemed... almost a little sad, somehow. Akihiro supposed that maybe it was a little childish, but he couldn't help but get excited about Christmas. All the little traditions and things you did with your relatives... not that Akihiro's mother had much contact with any of the other sides of their family, but Akihiro didn't mind that. Even if it was just the four of them - him, his mother, his little sister and their pet dog - then it'd be something that _they'd_ treasure. Yukari-chan was at that perfect age, too... old enough to know what Christmas was but still young enough to appreciate it. Akihiro supposed that half his excitement came from how much he and his mother had been preparing Yukari for Christmas - she was so wide-eyed and amazed at the whole prospect that it was hard _not_ to feel the festivity of the season.

From what Akihiro understood, Shin was the youngest in his family. Likely the Nishimura household was long past preparing Christmas for the sake of _their_ youngest member.

"I guess this is the last time we'll be able to see a view like this, isn't it?"

This suggestion did seem to catch Shin's attention; "What do you mean?"

"Well, this season. Christmas in the third year... we're not gonna be here next Christmas, are we? Doubt they'll be happy 'bout letting us on the roof once we're not students here anymore. Though I'm sure we can find our way up here if you smile at Enami-sensei right."

Akihiro had been sure that the comment on Enami would have provoked Shin somehow, but instead he seemed to pass that comment off; instead, his expression fell - just slightly - to some kind of sadness. He pressed his gloved hands against the rail, peering down at the main walkway below, empty but for the gathering snow. The school flag waved limply in the cold breeze. Past the entrance archway was the path that led to the main train station, visible on the horizon. Past that was houses, buildings, shops, the park... you could make out the complex where the Live House was located, just.

Akihiro didn't understand Shin's expression or his silence. "... Something up?"

"... enough..."

Shin mumbled something under his breath, not quite loud enough for Akihiro to actually understand. Reaching out with one fist Akihiro knocked Shin gently on the shoulder before hugging his arms to himself in some attempt to conserve warmth, "I don't get you when you mumble. Try actually talking. En~unciate."

This comment earnt Akihiro a glare, but Shin did repeat himself. "... I... don't feel that I'm appreciating this enough."

The serious tone of that comment was unexpected. "... What do you mean?"

"... You're right. This _is_ the last Christmas we'll be spending at this school... indeed, all through this year we've been plagued by that kind of shadow... '_this is the last year of school_'... '_this is the last summer holiday we'll have together_'... the last September, the last October, the last November... so much that we do becomes finalistic because of the place we've reached in our school hierarchy. We're already in our last months of school. Before we know it, it'll be time to graduat--"

"Don't talk about that."

"... Jinguuji?"

Akihiro gripped the cold rail with surprising strength, "... I don't want to think about that."

Unsure quite how to react to Akihiro's emotive ambiguity, Shin merely glanced down at his hands instead. "That can't be comfortable."

"What's that got to do with anything?!" Still somewhat tense, Akihiro quickly retracted his hands.

"Seems rather foolish to come into school in the middle of winter without gloves or a scarf or even a coat... or maybe Jinguuji doesn't feel the cold like the rest of us do...?"

"I just forgot, okay?! Left my coat next to the front door. So I just gotta freeze today, that's my problem."

Shin watched Akihiro carefully, the way he jammed his hands under his armpits and glared across the landscape with irritation. It seemed that just the mention - or the almost-mention - of graduating in the spring was enough to set Akihiro off into a bad mood... Shin looked back over the railings, idly tracing the path of falling snowflakes. Graduation seemed both a long way away and a short way away - the former mentally and the latter physically, he supposed. They were already more than halfway through the year. And then what? Then, they'd leave Seirei Gakuen for good. Well, some would go on to Seirei University, but in Shin's eyes that was merely for the students who had no drive or ambition to look further afield. Provided he made it through the entrance exams, Shin was aiming towards the Tokyo National University of Fine Arts and Music - music was naturally his passion and to pursue anything else in higher education seemed both boring and pointless. He wasn't sure what Akihiro was aiming for nor where he wanted to take himself after graduation - and given his response to even that suggestion, Shin didn't like to ask. Akihiro didn't really seem the type to aim for much academically anyway - he supposed that Akihiro was likely on the road to _some_ university, by the time of the third year the pressure to choose a university and start studying for it was too much to ignore, but whether he was following a passion or merely going on the insistence of others, Shin wasn't sure. He didn't like to think that he cared, either.

Having mentioned Akihiro's lack of warm attire, Shin couldn't help but feel that, were they different people in another situation, there might have been an opportunity there. Wasn't it a noble thing to do, for a man to offer his jacket to his blushing girlfriend in order for her to not get cold? Shin could picture the scene vividly and couldn't help but feel that that was quite a long way away from he and Akihiro stood on the school roof. They weren't boyfriend and girlfriend - or boyfriend and boyfriend - and Akihiro was just about as far from a blushing girlfriend as you could _get_. Shin had a feeling that Tatsuya, had he been there, would likely have offered his coat to Shin... but it was a little difficult when it was Tatsuya, given that he had the general body structure of a first-year student. That was an entirely different matter, in any case; Tatsuya was just that kind of person. Shin wasn't. He held his tongue on that line of thought.

"... You should go inside if you're really feeling that cold."

"I could."

"Go on, then."

"Don't wanna."

"Stubborn."

"Like you can talk."

Shin sighed heavily and turned to face Akihiro, "I'm not the one shivering in his shoes standing in the middle of the snow barely wearing anything. If you hide out in some corner of the library I'm sure you'll go unnoticed, if Kana-sensei's got a class then she's not going to suddenly walk through the doors, is she? If you want to watch the snow falling you can sit by a window or something, can't you?"

Akihiro's lips curled in a vague smile but he didn't look at Shin, "Not like you to be so concerned over my wellbeing."

"It's not like that, I'm just amazed that someone could be so stupid."

"I know you love me really, Nishimura."

That really _was_ the kind of comment to stir Shin's ire; he closed his eyes with an expression of deep irritation, one eyebrow twitching; despite this, he _did_ seem to have a faint blush over his cheeks. This could have been through finding some warmth in the cold weather or for some other reason, but it didn't stop his acerbic tone. "The day I love you, Jinguuji, will be the day that I fall into hell to become a professional ice-skater."

"You can't just say '_when hell freezes over_', can you? Oh well. If that's the case then I'll be there with you and _I'd_ offer you my jacket."

The way that Akihiro could make such comments in such an easygoing manner needled at Shin's patience, though part of him recognized and relaxed slightly at the fact that he wasn't so upset at the thought of graduating any longer. Shin sighed again, feeling his tortured patience gently slip away from desperate fingers. "If you want my jacket then you should just ask straight out. Besides, I'm not freezing myself for your sake, Jinguuji. If you don't want to be cold then you should go inside."

Akihiro laughed slightly, "Destroys it if I have to ask for it. Doesn't mean anything."

"And your shoulders are too broad. You'd never get into this jacket."

"It's a pretty girly jacket anyway, don't think I'd wanna."

Shin flinched, "Then why are we having this conversation?"

Ignoring the question, Akihiro leant his head on one hand with an expression that seemed both thoughtful and indulgent and stared up at Shin. "I don't gotta be wearing your jacket to get into it, do I?"

"What's _that_ supposed to mean..." Despite his words, Shin's tone held an air of resignation. It was the kind of thing he liked to play ignorant on, but Akihiro only ever made that sort of comment for one reason and one reason alone. The reason was fairly obvious but still, Shin didn't like to lower himself to acknowledge such things, not from Akihiro.

"What do you think it's supposed to mean?"

"Something perverse, I'm sure. It always is when it's _you_."

"I love how you say that like you don't like it."

"I _don't_."

It was things like that which confused Akihiro. The way Shin could be so stubborn and obstinate, the way angry and hateful words would easily drop from his tongue... eight times out of ten, any casual observer would think, and with justification, that Shin and Akihiro hated each other.

Those remaining two were the times that Akihiro couldn't bring himself to let go of. When Shin was desperate and needing, when he'd talk so casually of terrible and hurtful things... when he'd act _strangely_, certainly not hating it and being the one instigating it in the first place... Akihiro didn't really understand. Times like that, it seemed like Shin was a completely different person. Almost literally so. Akihiro felt that he was hopelessly attracted to Shin whether it was the distant Shin who actually seemed to hate him or the Shin who clung to him through the night saying he'd die if Akihiro wasn't around...

He supposed that, really, Shin was precisely what one would define as, if one were to be cruel, psycho. Akihiro often heard tell of guys and their psycho ex-girlfriends, at least. There was probably a different term for guys. Girls never really seemed to brand guys as being psycho unless they were axe-wielding - they were usually creeps or bastards or jerks or idiots; generally, it seemed thought that men lacked the mental capacity to be properly psychotic. Such behaviour was almost premeditated and for the most part, guys couldn't be bothered for that. Jerk a girl around or dump her, mind games were too much bother. On the whole. Akihiro supposed. Shin was the kind of person who took all of Akihiro's preconceptions on the differences between the sexes and turned them around spectacularly. Perhaps that was his own ignorance shining through; if Shin was any evidence for it, men were just as capable of mind games as women were. And there had been Akihiro thinking that women were terrifying; either way, it seemed that he couldn't escape.

Sometimes Akihiro wanted to ask Shin if he was aware of the effect he had. If he realised how strange his behaviour was, how maddening his moodswings were, how basically and essentially _frightening_ he could be when he was in one of _those_ moods... but in the situation it was too late to ask and when it wasn't happening, Akihiro didn't like to mention it. And so they continued on, both seeming to believe that questioning their own behaviour and rationalising things could come later... but when?

This was perhaps the reason that Akihiro didn't like to think of their graduation. By that point it really _would_ be too late.

Shin's forceful words were followed by a long silence; Akihiro didn't really expect Shin to say anything else but Shin was surprised that Akihiro hadn't taken up the bait - usually that line of argument was Akihiro's excuse to launch into something perverse, as he'd said. It wasn't particularly that Shin felt he _wanted_ anything like that to happen, it just seemed strange that it _didn't_ happen. Instead, Akihiro just stared off into the distance, still cupping his cheek in one hand.

Akihiro couldn't shake the feeling of inequality he'd suddenly sensed. Not that this was anything new, but all of a sudden it quite bothered him and he wasn't sure why; it was always the small things that triggered such thoughts... a casual word, a thoughtless action, just anything like that from Shin would cause Akihiro to pause and think and end up preoccupied. In this case, he couldn't help but think about Shin's jacket - or as he'd been saying previously, that something like that had no significance if you had to _ask_ for it. Lending someone a jacket wasn't something you triggered, after all; it was one of those things that just _happened_ and Akihiro knew damn well that if the situation was reversed he'd wordlessly give up his coat without a second thought, and Shin would accept it without argument. It wasn't that Shin was bodily smaller or that his jacket was girly (it wasn't _really_) - just that Shin wouldn't move an inch on something Akihiro felt he'd do without question.

It was moments like those that made Akihiro feel like there was a lot to be desired in their relationship. Not that this was any recent kind of revelation - from the beginning Akihiro had known this, just not what exactly to _do_ about it. It was easier to carry on with things as they were than to bother thinking about how to change them.

Rather than replying to Shin, Akihiro pushed away from the railings and stood up straight, looking rather tired all of a sudden. Shin just watched as Akihiro stepped away and then walked closer to him, put his arms around him, held him close. Shin immediately wrapped his fingers around Akihiro's wrists in an effort to pull them away, "What are you--"

Akihiro moved one hand up over Shin's mouth, "Shut up for once."

"... Your hands are cold."

"So are you."

The two of them fell into silence once more, broken only by Shin's soft sigh when Akihiro nuzzled against his neck to bury his face in the folds of Shin's scarf. Akihiro's breath gathered amongst the fabric and Shin could feel vague heat there... and behind and around him, since Akihiro seemed quite unashamed to embrace him in such a bold fashion. He could have pushed Akihiro away, could have continued with the questions and rebukes... but that kind of exhaustion Akihiro had seemed to carry was almost catching, and Shin couldn't be bothered to be on the offensive all the time. Even with his school blazer and jacket, he was still quite cold - and yet, even wearing only the shirt and blazer, Akihiro behind him seemed to generate some warmth of his own. Shin closed his eyes, pondering the abstract ramifications of such a concept as he gently leant his head against Akihiro.

It was best when they were both silent, Shin felt. When Akihiro wasn't making annoying comments and when he wasn't saying hasty words before he'd thought them through... language seemed to complicate things so much. They often seemed to stumble and fall over matters like those, ignoring the bigger picture for the sake of stupid details.

Shin opened his eyes halfway, breathing out slowly and deliberately to watch the steam rise and dissipate into the air. The snow still fell and the sky was still heavy with grey neverending clouds; the snow now covered every patch of ground visible from the roof - from where Shin and Akihiro stood this was the case and Shin didn't doubt that it was the same on the other side... likely even the running track would be covered, now.

Below them, younger students were stuck in lessons. The snow didn't stop, falling continually as life and learning happened in other places. Classes would end and those lucky enough to have to walk outside to reach their next lesson would relish the chance to walk in the snow, would maybe grab a handful and throw it before a teacher could see. Maybe some would cherish the opportunity to walk in the snow with a particularly chosen person, even for that brief time. Maybe others would just move from one floor of the main building to another, watching out of the window and hoping against hope that the snow would still be falling when it came for the next lesson's end, when it came. When hometime came. When they were free from school to enjoy the snow as they wished. All of that, Shin thought, and he and Akihiro had all the time in the world to stand around on the roof and watch the snow and be _in_ the snow, and all they could think to do was to complain about the cold. That seemed... short-sighted, somehow.

The thought that the scene was almost a little romantic crossed Shin's mind; he allowed himself a small smile while he knew that Akihiro couldn't see it. He was glad that Akihiro hadn't continued on with those previous lines of thought, that suddenly they were caught in nothing more complicated than a hug. The gentle things made Shin want the harsher things but one didn't necessarily follow the other... it seemed like the latter was what made Shin need Akihiro and the former was what made him _want_ him. Rare as those things were. Why were they rare? Because he was always pushing Akihiro away so quickly. Because he didn't want Akihiro to work out the things Shin was afraid to admit even to himself.

"... Hey, Nishimura."

"Ahn...?"

Akihiro moved his head a little, shifting so that his chin leant against Shin's shoulder. "... Warmer now."

"... Bring a coat, next time."

"Will do."

For once, the silence that followed didn't feel uncomfortable.

"... Nishimura?"

"What is it?"

"... Being out here like this... with the snow and all..."

"Mmm?"

"... I don't know. Maybe it's kind of romantic, don't you think?"

That Akihiro had managed to say precisely what Shin had been thinking seemed to spark his anger somehow; as if acting on reflex, Shin shoved his elbows back to catch Akihiro off-guard, to cause him to move his arms and for Shin to work his way out from their hold. He did so as Akihiro looked up at him with some kind of empty confusion and even as he spoke the words he regretted them, he regretted his previous action and he regretted his intended action but as much as he regretted them, he couldn't quite stop himself either. Escaping the situation was better.

"W-what are you saying, saying something like that... _romantic_... Jinguuji, when it's you, _nothing_ can be romantic--!"

And with that, Shin turned on his heel and made his way over to the staircase that would lead down to the canteen corridor. Part of him expected Akihiro to stop him, part of him was unsurprised that that failed to happen.

Akihiro just watched, Shin's warmth fading against his body. He sighed deeply, "... Guess I messed up again somewhere..."

He shook his head in his confusion, turning back to lean against the railings. They were cold; now lacking Shin's heat, they seemed _too_ cold. Glancing down at his watch, Akihiro worked out that there was about ten minutes left before the end of the lesson he should have been in. Then was last lesson, but he had a free for that anyway... there wasn't any harm in going home early... the next bullet train going along his route left in ten minutes, then would leave again in another ten... he had no reason to stick around for after school. Sometimes he would to see if Shin was around, but... after _that_, it didn't seem like he'd want Akihiro's company. Annoyed by the cold, Akihiro stuffed his hands into his trouser pockets, not that that provided much in the way of bodily heat.

He'd reacted so suddenly, but if Shin thought that Akihiro wouldn't have noticed the definite blush over his cheeks then he merely painted them both as idiots. Akihiro liked to think that he knew Shin's reactions by now and supposed that with a comment like that, he'd deserved the reaction. It wasn't like Shin to take such things well.

"... Nothing can be romantic, huh..." Akihiro smiled to himself, looking directly above him to the looming clouds and the falling snow. "... I guess not."

Casting one last look over the landscape, Akihiro made his own way into the school building. It was generally best to get out before the dense crowds of schoolchildren made to move between lessons.

Akihiro wasn't going to take Shin's statement for granted, he knew that much. Besides, wasn't it the Christmas party at the end of the week...? School parties were so stereotypically teenage. It didn't hurt to act alongside the feeling and sentiment of the event, did it? No, no it didn't.

Thoughts and plans already formulating in his mind, Akihiro smiled broadly as he walked out of the school's front gates. Nobody noticed his early departure.

~_end of chapter one_~


	2. Chapter 3 Sledding

~12_Christmas~

~05: Sledding; Ice Skating~

~03~

_Sunday, 10th of December_

_Six days before the end of term_

"Oniichan! Onii~chan~!"

Akihiro turned around at the voice, "What is it, Yu--_ommph_"

"Oniichan fell for it again! Oniichan's silly~!"

Shaking the snow from where the snowball had impacted squarely against his face, Akihiro wiped his sleeve over his eyes to clear his vision and took a different pose, a mock-evil grin on his face as he waved his hands with attempted menace, "You've asked for it now, Yukari--! Oniichan's going to grab you and throw you in the snow and cover you with snowballs and turn you into a snowman! Is that what you want? Huh? _Huh_?"

"_Kyaaa~_, oniichan~~!" Yukari squealed in delight as Akihiro began to chase her around the park's snowy grassland.

The snow, having fallen heavily since around the beginning of the week, had finally abated for a while. The snow still lay thick on the ground but for once the sun shone in a clear sky, not that this made anybody feel any warmer; the stark light against the skeletons of trees felt cold in itself, though seasonal somehow. One week left before the schools let out for winter and then another week and a half before Christmas. Things were already starting to wind down in favour of the festive holiday; decorations had been up around the city since the beginning of the month and that Saturday, they'd put up the main Christmas tree and turned on the lights. Shops played well-known songs and children were a good way into their advent calendars; the sense that Christmas was approaching was starting to set in, a subtle kind of excitement that seemed to establish itself especially in those under the age of ten or so. This had the effect of rubbing off on older siblings who sometimes felt that by now they should know better, but nobody wanted to be responsible for spoiling Christmas for their little sister through a bad mood. Akihiro had no intention of this; just seeing Yukari's wide eyes whenever they saw new lights or decorations around the city made him feel a little more excited and he rather relished the feeling. It had been a long time since he'd been so excited about Christmas, but... Yukari was at the perfect age to believe. Santa Claus would come, reindeer would fly, she'd get wonderful presents... and in the meantime, they could run around the park throwing snowballs at each other. There didn't seem to be any better way in which to spend the weekend.

Shin had known previously that Akihiro had a little sister, but hadn't seen the two of them together before. Occasionally Akihiro had mentioned this Yukari - Shin doubted that this would be the name of a girlfriend and the more Akihiro mentioned her, the more obvious it seemed of their relation. Still, he'd never met the younger - Shin presumed she was younger - Jinguuji sibling and didn't know much of her other than her name. However, as he walked past the park on the way back to the train station having been at the Live House for some last-minute admin, he supposed that that girl hanging around Akihiro could be nobody but the aforementioned Yukari-chan.

She was definitely younger than Akihiro, in any case; Shin couldn't quite tell how old she might be but wouldn't have put her as any older than six or seven. She seemed energetic and good natured (if that could be said of any child who kept pelting their older brother with snowballs) and had long red hair down to her lower back; it appeared rather straggly, but if they'd been playing in the snow for any length of time Shin supposed it was just wet more than anything else. She wore a dark blue coat and a skirt with warm leggings and crunched around on the snow in pink wellingtons. And kept throwing snowballs at Akihiro, who both didn't seem to mind and hadn't noticed Shin stood there simply watching.

Anybody who'd seen Akihiro there like that might have been surprised; it was just one of those things that everybody at Seirei Gakuen knew - Akihiro was the rebellious type. He got into fights with people, argued with teachers, didn't do his homework, got detentions with the Student Council a lot. He said himself that he didn't like girls (and indeed, most of the girls of Seirei were quite frightened of him) and most boys seemed targets of stress relief rather than anything else. Shin knew that Akihiro's best friend was Keigo on the Student Council but to most this would have seemed quite strange; someone as quiet and unassuming as Keigo hanging around with someone so brutal and uncouth as Akihiro? The equation simply didn't seem to work in theory, but in practice they were as close as anyone. But the matter still stood that Akihiro was rough and violent, undignified and rude. Seeing him run around laughing and playing with his younger sister seemed like watching a tiger play with a ball of wool, it just didn't seem to make any kind of sense.

And yet he seemed _happy_. Perhaps that was the strangest thing of the situation; he laughed openly and picked Yukari up and swung her around, she squealed and he smiled and Shin wasn't sure he'd ever seen such an open expression on Akihiro's face before. He was used to other things; irritation, anger, mocking, lust... but Akihiro just didn't seem like the _type_ who smiled. He never seemed to have anything to smile _about_, but... with his younger sister? Akihiro couldn't seem to stop. Shin knew he was being quite blatant, just stood at the entrance like that... but both Jinguuji siblings seemed too preoccupied to notice him or indeed anything else about their surroundings.

Shin thought momentarily of his own siblings, loathe as he usually felt to do so. Being the youngest at seventeen, his family was long beyond anything like the scene in front of him. Even at his youngest, his older brother and sister had been too old to want to spend time with a child, and then the middle brother-...

Feeling a sharp distress he simply didn't want to cope with at that moment, Shin brushed his thoughts aside in the way he'd grown used to as he leant on one of the railings marking the edge of the park, simply watching. He didn't have anything else to do and watching Akihiro seemed like as good a way to fill the time as any. Seeing someone he thought he knew well in such a different situation, Shin simply couldn't take his eyes off of the scene, not caring what _that_ might have implied.

It took about fifteen minutes before Shin was noticed at all. Strangely, it was Yukari who noticed first; she pointed an outstretched gloved finger at Shin in a way that made him wonder if she objected to his presence, saying something to Akihiro. Probably '_who is that strange person and why do they keep watching us_', Shin supposed. Akihiro looked up and just for noticing Shin, his manner seemed to change; he stood up straight and his body seemed to tense somewhat. The smile faded quickly. Shin supposed that this situation had no place for him and so made to walk away, but found himself prevented by a small hand grabbing the edge of his jacket.

"... You're that singer, aren't you?"

Shin turned around and looked down at the girl, noticing on close quarters that there was simply no way this child could be mistaken as anything but a relative of Akihiro's. As she looked up at him, Shin felt surprised by the intensity in her eyes, the same shade as Akihiro's own... and when she grinned up at him, it felt terribly similar. Realising that he'd been asked a question, Shin cleared his throat and wondered how exactly he was supposed to reply; he didn't have a lot of experience with such young children, let alone ones who actually _spoke_ to him.

"Ahm, uhm, that is... I'm _a_ singer, yes..."

"Akihiro-oniichan's always listening to you! I've seen your picture in his bedroom. Shi--... Si... Sinky! Thinko? Shiro!"

"M-my band's name is Synchro. I'm Nishimura Shin, the lead singer."

"I'm Jinguuji Yukari! Very pleased to meet you!"

"U-uh, n-nice to meet you too."

As Yukari bowed enthusiastically, Shin noted Akihiro approaching the two of them. He didn't look very pleased and Shin didn't blame him; not that Akihiro ever looked pleased to see him - and the emotion was usually shared - in the first place, but... neither of them had seen each other over the weekend, the time before that being the kind of thing Shin usually thought best forgotten. He'd spent Friday evening in the coffee shop with Keigo and Akihiro and that had been nice enough - Keigo was always a good conversationalist when you actually cornered him into it and he was probably the only person able to hold Akihiro back - but before that...? It was that kind of thing that, Shin supposed, caused that frown on Akihiro's face. If Akihiro didn't want to see him then he likely definitely didn't want him anywhere near his little sister.

It was interesting that Yukari had seen his picture before in Akihiro's bedroom, though. Shin had been inside Akihiro's bedroom once or twice and didn't recall anything like that, which meant that whatever pictures he had were either a new addition or secret, and if they were secret, wasn't _that_ intriguing?... Then again, Tatsuya often said that he liked to make Synchro collages in his spare time and that his bedroom was covered in these. Shin didn't doubt him and had no desire to find out the truth.

Akihiro approached Shin, picking up Yukari easily and holding her legs under one arm as she threw her arms around his neck and shoulders. The resemblance was quite striking but Shin didn't think that this was the time or the place for such observations.

"... Jinguuji."

"Nishimura. Strange time for you to be out and about, isn't it?"

"Not particularly. I had some business to tend to at the Live House. Seems like I'm interrupting a family outing... I suppose this must be the Yukari-chan you've mentioned in the past. She couldn't be anything but your sister... she's a cute child. Shame what they grow into, isn't it?" Shin punctuated this last point with a meaningful smirk aimed directly at Akihiro.

The steely look in Akihiro's eyes didn't face, "I'm not in the mood, Nishimura."

Yukari looked between her brother and this new person, "... I thought you and Akihiro-oniichan were friends?"

"Yukari, I never said that I was _friends_ with this--"

"But oniichan, you're always talking about him and saying about how you've seen him at school and go to his concerts and have recordings of his music and manage to get in even when you don't have a ticket and wonder if you'll see him and if you'll go anywhere and if you can invite him back home, isn't that what you do with friends? We're not doing anything today, I'm sure mother'd be really happy if you brought a friend home! We could play games, it'd be lots of fun!"

As Yukari spoke, Akihiro seemed to develop a strange kind of blush; Shin only smirked and folded his arms, eyebrow quite raised. Akihiro put Yukari down quickly, "... Yukari-chan, didn't you say you wanted to build a snowman today? You go and get started, I'll come catch you up in a bit. Stay where I can see you. I just need to... talk to Nishimura about something, okay?"

"Doing private things again... oniichan'd better help else I'll cry!"

"I'll just be right here, I'm not going anywhere...! I'll be over in a few minutes."

"Promise?"

"I promise, honestly. Now, go make a big snowman...!"

Yukari nodded enthusiastically as Akihiro patted her shoulder and then shot off to the middle of the park where the thickest snow lay. Akihiro watched as she went and then went to stand on the same side of the railings as Shin, keeping his eye on his sister. Shin nodded agreement at the situation, "She really is a cute kid."

"She is, isn't she..."

"How old is she now?"

"I was thirteen when she was born, so... she's coming up to seven in a few months. She's growing up pretty quickly..."

"Quite sad really. She looks a lot like you. Other than that, she's adorable!"

Akihiro hit Shin roughly on the shoulder, "Don't say something like that. I guess we both get it from mother, though. She's actually my half-sister."

"Oh..."

Shin didn't press the questions in his mind and Akihiro made no move to answer them himself. Shin knew that Akihiro lived with his mother and sister but didn't know anything else about the situation and supposed that, really, it wasn't any of his business. However, there were other things that Shin couldn't help but feel were his business, perhaps. Remembering what Yukari had said, Shin's smirk returned.

"She said you've got pictures of me in your bedroom."

Akihiro ran his gloved hand over his face with an annoyed expression, "Little idiot doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut..."

Shin's tone became more self-confident as he went on, "Always talking about me, hm? Seeing me at school or at the events... about how you've got recordings of mine, how you even sneak in to see me...! Wondering if you'll see me, wondering if we'll go places together, wanting to invite me back _home_?! My my, Jinguuji. My my."

Akihiro felt that if he blushed any harder he'd match his hair colour, "She doesn't know what she's talking about."

"Oh, I don't know, she sounded rather sure to me... and she's right, isn't she? That's the kind of thing you do with friends, isn't it? Though isn't it a bit strange when you're thinking of a _friend_ that much, when you're talking about them so much that even your six-year-old sister notices something...? I'm just saying."

"Yeah, well, don't, okay? Anyway. If you don't got nothing else to say then I'll see you in school, 'kay?" Still seeming irritated by his blush, Akihiro made to walk back over to where Yukari was currently gathering handfuls of snow in an attempt to form a snowman's body.

"W-wait."

"Hm?"

Shin didn't realise he'd reached out to grab Akihiro's shoulder until the motion was over and then, as Akihiro looked back at him, he wasn't completely sure why he'd done that. _Why_ he wanted Akihiro to wait. Why he had that sort of feeling that he wanted to spend more time with Akihiro, chat with him, tease him and annoy him in that way he always did. See what Yukari-chan's snowman looked like in the end, if it got made. Otherwise, he'd only be going home and he didn't have anything to do back there... maybe watch television, play a computer game, attempt some homework? None of that seemed particularly appealing. Wasn't it better to be out in the snow...? Shin faltered, "... I-... don't... want to go home just yet..."

Akihiro shrugged Shin's hand away, "I'm not stopping you. Do what you like."

He walked off to join Yukari; Shin stood there for a few moments, feeling awkward. Maybe this brother-sister outing wasn't something to be disturbed after all.

"... _If it snows properly at Christmas we can make a snowman, alright?_"

"_Really? We really can?_"

"_Of course! We'll roll the snow together, and give him a proper face and a jacket and everything...! Won't that be fun, Shin?_"

Shin smiled at nothing in particular, remembering things. He gripped gloved hands against the railings. Of course, things didn't last for that long. By Christmas, it was already over. They had a big garden and they could have made a snowman, but... not then, not after that. All of the things they'd promised seemed too far away, impossibly far away at _that_ point. Since then, some things had been recovered... but not everything. There were still broken promises that couldn't be fixed. Shin shuddered powerfully, this was too much; usually he got through the day without thinking of _that_ at all but now that had been twice in a short space of time... that damn Jinguuji's fault. Playing all happily with his little sister. How dare he do something so innocent like that? That wasn't like him, not at all...! Doing something so warm and caring, wrapped up against the cold weather... Shin was as wrapped up as he usually was but felt cold for it somehow. Like he couldn't stop shivering. He recognized the feeling and that made up his mind for him; he walked back over to where Akihiro and Yukari were throwing snow together for the snowman.

Shin stood with his arms folded, "... That's like no snowman I've ever seen."

"Haven't you gone already?"

"I felt like imposing in on your time. Or do you really hate me that much?"

Akihiro threw another handful of snow against the base, "... Nishimura..."

Yukari appeared from around the other side of the snowman, the pile of snow already big enough to obscure her where she knelt against it. "It's okay if we all work together, isn't it? Then we can get it built quicker!"

Shin dropped to a crouch and picked up some snow with both hands and a knowing smile, "Can't ignore a lady, can I?"

Akihiro sighed harshly but held his tongue, not wanting to get too openly angry at Shin in the presence of his little sister. Of course, it was her letting her mouth off that made him feel half of that anger in the first place - he didn't blame Yukari at all, she didn't know that you weren't supposed to say that kind of thing to a person, but still... that made things awkward between him and Shin, if nothing else. Their relationship was essentially one built on distance, what were you supposed to do with stupid things like _that_ added to the equation? Akihiro already hated himself for all of those things in the first place... it didn't seem like a good time of year for things to be kept secret. Yukari telling Shin that kind of thing... him finding out about Shin and Tatsuya... Tatsuya knowing about him and Shin... and those things still hurt and the pain didn't ease for Shin being sat next to him on that Sunday afternoon. After the events of that Friday Akihiro had hoped that he'd have the weekend free, or at least free from Shin... but it seemed like _that_ was too much to ask for.

Despite the unspoken feelings in the group, the three of them did manage to get the snowman built to some kind of finished standard. They hadn't brought anything to make a face with but Akihiro managed to find some stones in a flower border, and they did the job nicely enough. They all took photos of the snowman on their phones. Yukari decided that his name was ShiroShiro-san and wanted him to stay there for as long as was possible, though both Shin and Akihiro knew that the likelihood of a snowman staying in a public place for longer than a few days was quite unlikely. Still, if that was what Yukari wanted to believe...

After the snowman was finished, they all stood back to admire their creation, haphazard as it was. Shin glanced down at Yukari, "... You were kneeling in the snow all that time... aren't you cold, wearing a skirt like that?"

She shook her head enthusiastically and reached down to pick something out of the snow; apparently she hadn't knelt on the snow at all. Though the snow had quite gathered around it, the wooden sledge still seemed quite sturdy. Akihiro walked around to help her pick it up; when lifted out of the snow, it was about the same height of Yukari and built out of some light kind of wood. Shin raised one eyebrow, he hadn't seen a sledge like that for quite some time.

"You have a sledge?"

"Figured if the snow was heavy enough we could go up the rise and sled down it. Would be better if we had some proper hills in this city but hey, whatever. Besides, with smaller slopes I guess it's not as dangerous, huh?"

"Daddy got me this!"

"Y-yeah. Yeah, he did. Anyway, Yukari-chan! Want to play on the sled now? Gonna go racing along...?"

"Only if oniichan pushes me hard enough~~!"

Again, Shin felt oddly separate from Akihiro's sudden glee. He silently followed Akihiro and Yukari through the park, beyond the trees to the steps that led up the only real hill of the area. In the summer this area was good for picnics and other such activities but when covered in snow, sledding seemed the best opportunity. The trees were mainly to the side and the bottom of the hill was just more snow-covered grass, which Akihiro duly noted; he didn't want to send the sled crashing into anything, after all.

Shin stood to the side as Akihiro helped Yukari position herself on the sledge before giving her a firm, comfortable shove to send her down the slope. She squealed happily as she skidded down, eventually coming to halt in a snowdrift a little way along from the bottom; this only seemed to amuse her, though. She waved back up to Akihiro and Shin to signify that she'd made it; Akihiro waved back, a strangely sad smile on his face.

"Jinguuji?"

"Hm?"

"... You had a strange look on your face. Should we go and help her out of that snow? There's quite a lot of it..."

"She's pretty hardy, she'll be fine."

Indeed, she didn't seem like she particularly objected to the snowdrift nor did it seem like she was in a hurry to go again on the sled. Shin laughed gently, "She seems pretty content like that."

"She does, doesn't she..." A slight sigh, "It's pretty depressing how many guys she calls 'daddy' though. Makes me sick."

Again, Shin felt awkward for not having any effective way to reply to that, "... Oh?"

"Mother's pretty horrible when it comes to that. '_This is your daddy, Yukari-chan!_'... a few months later, '_Daddy's changed quite a bit, Yukari-chan...!_' or '_This is your new daddy, he's much better than the one you had before!_' and just expects Yukari to put up with it 'cause she's too young to know any better. Probably fucking that kid's head up so hard and she doesn't even notice it. Hell, Yukari herself probably doesn't even get it. She's used to it, mother swapping boyfriends on a whim... she'd probably think it weird that people had stable fathers at all, if you told her."

"... And her actual father?" Shin found himself curious.

Akihiro just shrugged, "Fuck knows. Seven years of boyfriends is practically epic when it comes to mother. Could be anywhere by now I guess."

"... And _your_ father?"

"Died when I was eleven."

Knowing little on Akihiro's home life, this came as something as a surprise to Shin. He'd known that Akihiro lived with his mother and had learnt that he lived with his sister as well, but had never really wondered about what'd happened to the absent Jinguuji patriarch... Akihiro had never mentioned it and Shin had never asked. Maybe Akihiro's mother had never got married, maybe she didn't know _who_ the father was. Maybe they'd just split up. Something like that. Things like that weren't uncommon these days. But, the truth was that he'd _died_...? When Akihiro was eleven... Shin quickly thought back. He hadn't really been aware of Akihiro back then, they hadn't ended up in the same year at school until they'd got to Seirei Gakuen and Akihiro had been held back for that one year... but it was still strange to think that that kind of thing had happened to someone he now knew so well, or something like... someone he spent a lot of time with, at least. That something like that had happened...

Well. He had his own experiences he was quite sure people who were at school with him around that time would have been shocked to know. They all had their own crosses to bear.

"That's--... I--... I'm sorry, Jinguuji."

"Eh, you don't gotta be, it's not your fault. Ages back now. Think I coped with it better than mother did, anyway... jumping from guy to guy like that. Doesn't seem like anyone wants to stick around for a past-it lush with kids. Can't really blame 'em. She can get pretty psycho sometimes."

Akihiro didn't say much more on the situation, then heading down the hill to help Yukari finish digging the sledge out of the snowdrift. They brought it back up together and Shin just watched as she rode the sledge down the slope several more times. Then Akihiro jumped on alongside her, the two of them happy enough to be doing something like that... Shin hugged himself tightly. Seemed like it was a nice thing to have an older brother who liked doing that sort of thing with you. Despite anything else, Akihiro seemed like, oddly enough, a rather caring and protective older brother; Shin couldn't see anything threatening Yukari without Akihiro making himself involved, and all praise to him for that. Shin couldn't help but mention this on one of the times Yukari and Akihiro returned, now quite exhausted from climbing the hill and wet from landing in the snow drifts.

"Hey, Yukari-chan. You're pretty lucky to have a cool older brother, aren't you?"

"Akihiro-oniichan's the _best_!"

"Just the right age. You wouldn't get my brother pushing me in the snow anymore. Or my sister."

Akihiro looked up with slight interest, "You've got siblings?"

"A brother and a sister, but it's nothing like you two. I'm the baby of the family... they're both off starting families and holding prolific office jobs now. Even when I was a child they were too old to really have time playing with a kid."

Yukari looked up with wide eyes, "... That's really sad..."

Shin waved one hand, "It's alright, I'm used to it. But Yukari-chan should be glad."

She watched Shin for a few moments before suddenly running to where Akihiro stood, tugging on his coat to indicate she wanted him to listen to something. He picked her up deftly, letting her lean in to whisper in his ear. Shin watched them with slight interest, unable to hear what Yukari was saying. Whatever it was, it didn't seem to please Akihiro. When she was finished he put her down, "I'm not doing something like that..."

"Oh, please! Oniichan! Please? Please! Pleeaaseee...?"

"What did she say?"

Akihiro walked over to Shin and pushed him roughly in the direction of the sledge, seeming to imply that he wanted Shin to get on it. Yukari just watched with a bright expression.

"Because it's sad that you don't have a cool older brother like me to push you on a sledge, she volunteered me to take up the slack. How's about that, Nishimura? Ready to call me '_oniichan_' just yet?"

Having expected some kind of rise out of Shin for that, Akihiro was quite surprised that, sat on the sledge like that, Shin just seemed to _freeze_.

"... O... nii... cha... n..."

"_Oniichan--! Oniii~chan!_"

"_What time is it--... jeez, Shin, it's far too early...! What is it?_"

"_Will oniichan make it snow today?_"

"... _It's April._"

"_But I want it to snow--!_"

"... _Okay, okay. I'll try and make it snow for you today, but don't blame me if it doesn't, okay?_"

"_Oniichan can do anything--!_"

"_Y-yeah well, I wouldn't say something like that... but I'll try, okay? Now, go back to sleep. If you don't sleep you'll never grow up...!_"

Feeling slightly weirded out at how Shin had said that word (and without any kind of argument), Akihiro quickly shoved Shin down the slope to try and distract him. He'd had that vacant kind of sound in his voice, the sort of sound that reminded Akihiro of times he simply didn't want to be thinking about in that moment, not on a calm Sunday afternoon and definitely not with Yukari around. It seemed that Shin found his voice again as he realised he was moving; despite himself, he couldn't seem to help but to cry out as he shot down the hill, eventually coming into the now rather dilapidated snow drift at the bottom of the hill. He toppled over and took the sled with him, unable to _help_ but to laugh. How long had it been since he'd done something unashamedly fun like that? Things like swings and slides and sledges seemed like so much fun when you were a child, when was it that you stopped doing or enjoying those things...? He picked himself and the sledge up, bringing it back up to the Jinguuji siblings.

"... It's amazing how fun something like that is when you haven't done it for a long time."

Akihiro laughed, "Nishimura actually says that something is _fun_? Stop the press, Mr Apathy _enjoyed_ something. Good god."

"You were squealing just as much."

"I'm being a responsible big brother, I'm allowed to. Anyway, I'll push you again if you want."

Shin deliberated on this for a moment before deciding that there was no harm in being childish for an afternoon. He wordlessly sat back down on the sledge, feeling the pressure of Akihiro's hands against his back, feeling the wood beneath him shift against the ground... and then, just as the sled started to take momentum, he felt an extra pressure and suddenly Akihiro's hands were around him and both of them went careering off down the hill into the snowdrift; the first thing he was really aware of once the world stopped rushing past him was Yukari calling energetic encouragement to the two of them from the top of the slope and that, in falling off the sledge, he and Akihiro had rather fallen together in a writhing mass of snow and sledge and limbs. He heard Akihiro whisper somewhere above his ear, "... You even end up in shameless positions with my little sister around. Remind me not to invite you round my house again."

Akihiro made to get up and retrieve the sledge again but was stopped by Shin's hands at his jacket.

"... Wait."

Akihiro paused, "Hm? You're not _really_ going to say something stupid now, are you?"

"N-no, just..."

Shin didn't seem to want to finish his sentence. Akihiro sat up, "Just what?"

"... Last time we were in the snow you were all angry..."

"Nishimura, shut up. I don't need to think about that."

Shin glanced to the side, "... It's nicer when it's like this. All laid-back and... and comfortable..."

It seemed that saying something like that was enough to spark Akihiro into that angry sort of silence he sometimes had. Without saying anything else he got up off of Shin, picked up the sledge and took it back up to Yukari. It took Shin a few moments to realise that he was lacking Akihiro's warmth and then to see that Akihiro was already making his way back up the hill... he watched with a little confusion for a few moments.

If Akihiro really _did_ like him as much as Yukari had seemed to say, then wasn't it better to be comfortable? It had felt like that, a little. Speeding down the hill being held by somebody like that. Was that what it was like to have a caring big brother? Or, more in this case, at least somebody you cared for, who you cared about...

Not that Shin cared about Akihiro. Of course not. Certainly not. Would never even _consider_ such a thing. None of that explained that distant feeling establishing itself again as Shin eventually followed up the hill again. He watched as Akihiro and Yukari went down on the sledge a few more times, suddenly feeling that maybe he _was_ really imposing after all... but at the same time, as much as maybe he was, he couldn't bring himself to leave. Even if it was just watching that kind of thing, it was just _interesting_ to see Akihiro act like that. Even if it _did_ bring back memories that weren't bad in _themselves_, but... still...

****

It was around half past nine that evening when Shin's mobile phone went off.

He was sat at the desk in his bedroom, the curtain open and the lights off. Having nothing better to do, he'd taken to doing some of the schoolwork due in for when they went back after the new year; the solitary light in his room came from the desk lamp just above him, so he was distracted by his phone, sat to the side, suddenly going off. He stared at it for a few seconds, making no move to answer it. Who'd phone him at this time? Who'd phone him full stop? Maybe one of the guys from the band wanting to go over something before the end-of-year concert... Shin sighed, he wasn't in the mood for that sort of conversation. Maybe some girl who'd got his number, shy and blushing and why would they be calling at _this_ time of night? Maybe they'd spent that long working up the courage. Or maybe it was Tatsuya, "_another call just to say I love you~~!_"...

Shin was therefore rather surprised when he picked up the phone and noticed the caller was in fact Akihiro. Akihiro _never_ called him. Shin had only picked up Akihiro's number in the first place to be able to proposition him with more ease when they were on separate sides of the school and Shin had ten minutes before his next class...

As much as he stared at the phone, Akihiro didn't ring off. Supposing all he could do was to answer the phone, Shin did so.

"Jinguuji, what are you phoning me at this time of night for?"

"And 'hi' to you too. Look, uh, I... I just wanted to say, uh..."

"This sounds ominous."

"Shut up. Uh, that is... I thought..."

"Must be something bad to have you stuttering like a blushing schoolgirl."

Shin half expected Akihiro to hang up at that, but instead it seemed to give Akihiro whatever courage he needed to say what he'd phoned to say in the first place.

"... Sometime we should go to the park with the sledge just the two of us without Yukari what do you think?"

"I didn't get a word of that. Try speaking slowly."

Shin could practically hear Akihiro's blush, "... Sometime, just you and me, we should go to the park. Without Yukari. With the sledge. What do you think?"

"Hmn, I don't know... even going to a quiet place like that with Jinguuji is still like being on a date, isn't it? I don't really make a policy of going on dates with guys..."

"Stop sounding so fucking self-satisfied, Nishimura. You'd go anywhere if Kudou dragged you and I wasn't the one saying about how being in the snow with me was comfortable or whatever the fuck it was you were saying back then, so don't you dare spout off shit like that after _knowing_ what you said."

"I--..."

Shin was silent for a long time, long enough for Akihiro to wonder if he'd put the phone down and left it just for the amusement of Akihiro using up all his calltime minutes.

"Nishimura, you still there?"

This time it took a while for Shin to develop his own sense of courage, "... Hey, Akihiro..."

"Don't start with that again."

"No, _listen_. Uh. If--... if you... only ever promise me one thing... right? T-then... promise me you'll... never ask me, even if you're just _joking_, to... to call you '_oniichan_' again."

Akihiro frowned, barely remembering that anything like that had happened in the first place; he had a dim recollection of saying something like that while they were on the hill... ah yes, after Shin had said that Yukari had been lucky to have a cool big brother, or whatever it'd been that he'd said. And then Shin had gone _strange_, hadn't he... Akihiro remembered _that_ and felt a sudden misgiving, like he'd overstepped a boundary or something. If it was enough to make Shin act strange and more still to make a serious request like that then it had to be something Shin felt strongly about, surely... Akihiro gulped. He knew he'd been rather insensitive to Shin in the past but every time he was insensitive, it made him all the more determined to try to be sensitive when the situation next arose, not that it ever really did. He and Shin were more likely to end up in an argument than anything else. Still, why would something like _that_ be the one that would make Shin talk seriously? It didn't seem to make a lot of sense but Akihiro supposed that it was all he could do to respect Shin's privacy and not poke his nose into the matter.

"Uh, sure? I, I mean, I promise. Didn't mean anything by it before, just with what you were saying to Yukari..."

"I meant it."

"Huh?"

"She _is_ lucky. Having an older brother like you."

"Well, thanks..."

"But you're not my brother, Akihiro. So don't ever try to suggest it."

Another frown, "You already said that your brother was way older than you anyway, didn't you? Successful office job or whatever. What's that got to do with me?"

"... Nothing. You're right. Forget I said anything."

"... Okay..."

A long silence.

"... I wouldn't mind if we went to the park together though. I... I'd enjoy that."

Akihiro's smile was practically audible, "Thought you would."

"... Was that all you wanted to say?"

"Uh? Uh, I guess..."

"Well. Goodnight, then."

"G-goodnight--"

Shin turned the phone off and put it back on the small shelf where it'd sat before.

Honestly. They hadn't settled on dates or times or anything but they'd practically organized a _date_ date... Shin shook his head, that wasn't their style at _all_. Quick moments stolen during schooltime, that was what they were used to... maybe that was part of why it'd seemed so strange to see Akihiro with Yukari in the first place. Shin knew that he didn't really look at Akihiro for anything more than _that_... so seeing him do something so domestic and caring, that had just seemed so _different_ and so _bizarre_... and yet, attractive somehow. Knowing that Akihiro had it in him to look after a kid sister - and he'd seemed so angry while talking about his mother... Shin hadn't said anything but felt that maybe, given Akihiro's mother's behaviour, Akihiro was probably the one main male influence Yukari _had_. And usually Shin would have thought this a bad thing, but... now, not so much. Akihiro had that kind of blind determination. Shin wasn't sure how he'd cope with a younger sister or a younger sibling of any kind... but with it having been seventeen years since the last Nishimura child was born Shin was quite sure that this wasn't something he'd have to concern himself with.

"... _Where's... oniichan...?_"

A warm embrace quite uncharacteristic of his mother. "_Oh, Shin... Shin, Shin... my beautiful son..._"

"_I--... mother? Why--... why are you crying...?_"

"_Shin... don't worry. You don't have to worry anymore. He won't be able to hurt you anymore. We won't let him._"

"_M-mother?!_"

"_It... it was just a bad dream. We'll be alright, just the five of us... oniichan's a long way away now. We'll look after you. We love you, Shin._"

It seemed like that kind of thought only ever occurred in this sort of situation. When Shin was alone, when his thoughts wandered, when something had reminded him. He didn't exactly feel like crying but the faint sense of nausea he always felt when remembering what had happened with his middle brother brought on a keening sense of loneliness, of promises broken and illusions shattered. He could fear the tears anyway. It would have been alright to cry, it wasn't like anybody would have disturbed him even if they'd heard him, but Shin felt long past crying about the situation. He couldn't help a bodily reaction. That was usually the sign Shin took as saying that he should go to bed; Shin packed away his pens and the book he'd been writing in, turning off his desk light and going to the window to look outside; it had started snowing again. Likely that would replenish the snowdrifts the three of them had destroyed over the course of the day.

Shin smiled gently, sadly.

"Oniichan... Akihiro's nothing like you, is he?"

Even as he spoke the words out loud, Shin knew he was lying. Rather than being different they were similar, _too_ similar, they were practically the same--

Closing the curtains, Shin stopped that line of thought. He simply wouldn't allow himself to think of such things.

~_end of chapter three_~


End file.
